To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

I could have done it

I thought about it

I almost did it

I wanted it

I didn’t want to hurt you

It was never your fault

It wasn’t about you

It was about me

I

hate

myself

so

I wanted it

I almost did it

I thought about it

I could have done it

I could’ve killed myself

I mentioned that I had two very powerful breakdowns.  This is about the first.

I have never been very good at self-care.  Some days, eating feels like a chore, even when I'm hungry.  Moving feels impossible, and I know, lying there, that I am capable of moving.  My limbs would respond, given direction, but my brain won't send the signal properly.  It's almost like locked-in syndrome, but it's a mental problem rather than a physical one.

The lack of self-care, the untreated depression, and the stress of college drove me down a very dangerous road, until the only thing that I could even imagine helping was suicide.  What ultimately stopped me was the fear that I would disappoint my father.  In the end, I just laid on my bed and stared at the drawer where I kept my camping knife.

—•—•—

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel."—Johnny Cash, "Hurt"

—L